I’ve dated some real assholes.
But nobody that I’ve ever dated or had hot sex with on a consistent basis was ever more difficult to deal with than me.
So it is hilarious to think of me referring to these women as assholes when I have been the ringleader!
We are always taught to never compare ourselves to other people. We are always going to be our biggest competition; our ball and chain that we need to reign in and get on track.
For me, I am always battling my long tenured mediocrity and incredibly humiliating laziness. The differing parts of me that do battle is the one that is destined to be legendary, vs the one that wants to be a walking humiliation.
How do I referee that competition?
Man! The redhead that ended up being my oldest daughter’s mom was always proud of the fact that she was a certified beeyotch. She knew how to push buttons better than professional typists.
But when I face the version of me that decides to eat them damn french fries, or who wants to get out of bed five hours later than he should’ve, I just wanna horse whip this muthafucka.
There’s no place for playing small, asshole!
It is worse than being a damn juggler. Can you imagine how hard it is to not drop the ball when you’re dealing with your lousy flip side?
The good news is, I am on a really good roll right now. I am beginning to show some semblance of getting a handle on my lousy side.
When I was still in my mama’s tummy, my grandfather wanted her to name me Stanisilis. It is the most comically ridiculous non-name proposed name in history.
So, because of the sheer goofiness of that name, I will name my mediocre side, Stanisilis.
He’s the one that got them awful grades in school, wound up with a GPA lower than 2.0 and repeated 12th grade only to fail both times.
Deante, however, is the side of me that is a savant and always has been.
He’s the one that was so enrapturing as a child, that his uncle sent a letter to the producers of The Tonight Show in hopes of booking him for a chat with Johnny, just because the kid was so precocious.
Over all these years, I would lament the fact that I wasn’t skinny. I was always the undesirable porker, with a waistline named “Equator” that just happened to be very good at making people laugh.
There was always something more lurking inside of me. The intelligence and perceived smarts actually masked my real gift; communicating and connecting with anyone with the power of my personality.
I never had the mentorship or work ethic to channel my natural genius into anything life changing. I have had to fight my way through endless reams of insecurity and self consciousness.
I have had to overcome my factory setting of feeling less than.
It would’ve been much easier to compare myself to other people. Then if I fell short, it wouldn’t be my fault. Maybe they were born with something ideal that I wasn’t.
But comparing myself to myself is a different ballgame. That one has the power to create a range of rage filled emotions within me.
It can be terrifying.
It is almost like a reckoning.
But I must say, I believe in me. I believe that I am here for a significant purpose. I am willing to keep this battle going with Stanisilis because he has hogged the spotlight far too frequently.
I need to step into the spotlight.
The world has always needed the real me. All this time, I have allowed him to be held captive by that damn knucklehead with the stupid name.
Now I vow to unshackle those restraints.
Even if I have to strangle him into oblivion.
The real me, the one who was always destined for legendary status needs to make his way in the world.
I will see to it.