LIFE LESSONS

I Almost Married the Woman of My Dreams. Thank God I Didn’t

Desired outcomes are often not what’s needed

Introduction

Many years ago, I got on one knee in front of the woman of my dreams and asked her to become my wife. She smiled beautifully and accepted my proposal.

Now, we have an almost 18-year old daughter and we are both happy. We haven’t lived together in almost nine years, and she’s about three months pregnant by her husband of 11 months.

I’m single and building my life into what I want it to become; a fulfillment of my destiny.

The Encounter with a Cashier

As it turns out, we were both lucky that our proposed marriage never happened. Today, a simple encounter with a cashier reminded me of why our failed relationship was the ultimate blessing.

The cashier at the checkout line wore a shirt that read, “Let’s fight racism” across the front. She happened to be a white woman and was cheerful as I approached.

We exchanged friendly conversation for a couple of minutes and just before I pushed my shopping cart away, she noticed a few black and purple marks on her hand.

“I don't know what these marks are,” she said. “But I feel like I’m turning colors.” I smiled and gestured towards her shirt. “You’re going to need that shirt more than me,” I joked as she laughed.

It was a lighthearted comment that she seemed to enjoy, and it was right in line with the witty, socially outgoing personality that I’ve always possessed. If I had gotten married to that woman I proposed to, she would’ve hated that exchange and felt that it was unnecessary.

Again, thank God our relationship failed miserably.

Self-Awareness of That Relationship

I’m fully aware that I was a worse nightmare to my ex-fiancé than giving head to her husband is to Melania. All that means is that we were never right for each other.

I thought we were perfect for each other way back when. But through the accumulation of life experiences and personal growth, “time brings about a change,” as my grandmother often said.

We both cheated on one another, I was a poor excuse for a boyfriend and we hurt each other accidentally and on purpose. I was far less mature than her and quite irresponsible.

And even though true love is supposed to conquer all, there are things that shouldn’t have to be conquered. In this case, who I am as a person.

There’s a distinct difference between encouraging your partner to grow and mature into something better and trying to make your partner into something they’re not.

That’s what I won’t accept.

Fix my poor priorities, my overly flirtatious ways in your presence, my laziness, and awful money management. But don’t try to re-design the fundamentals of my personality.

Be Accepted as You Are

I was born with a comedian’s wit and I have always found humor in difficult topics, such as racism. It works for me because it prevents anger and possible vengeance. Knowing my personality from the beginning of our relationship was supposed to illustrate who she was getting.

When I buy a bag of Doritos, it’s pretty obvious from the paragraph list of ingredients that there won’t be broccoli inside that bag. It’s clear on the outside what I’m getting and I’m no different than a bag of freaking Doritos.

It’s ridiculous for a person to buy a Chrysler and try to turn it into a Bentley. Just buy the damn Bentley and if you can’t afford it, maybe you aren’t supposed to have it at that point.

Bottom Line

I am lucky that my engagement never became a marriage because I want to be accepted for who I fundamentally am. And based on my ex-fiancé’s dislike of numerous, basic qualities of mine, we would be divorced or miserable as hell by now if we had tied the knot.

Instead, we’re happy with other people. Her with her husband, and me with— myself.

Personal Development Writer | Deante Unlimited podcast, Host | Deante: Under Construction web series, Star | Deante Young Enterprises, Chief Creative Architect

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